Clearing off.

hi people.

ever since i wear bigger hijab last semester, people has been looking at me in a new light, not to forget there are some who seems to be questioning my intention in changing my appearance. some said that i wear this big hijab because i am trying to show that i'm a goody-two-shoes girl, that i am trying to gain some attention to myself from the males, which is like, the most ridiculous answer ever.

i've kept my intention to myself all these while, ignoring all those craps that people whisper around, and keep on with my daily goings. but it has come to the point that i can't be quiet anymore. the more i keep my silence, the more whispers surface. since most of my blog readers are the people from my institute and it might include those who question my intention too, might as well i tell all in my blog so that it can be the evidence which can be use to thwart off any unwanted misunderstanding.

i used to have some difficulties with wearing hijab back then because there are someone who discourage me wearing hijab. but deep down, i love hijab. every chance that i get, i will definitely wear my hijab like a crown, glowing with pride that i still have the chance to cover my head properly. but back then, i only wear those normal hijab, not the big one like now. still, whenever i wear my hijab, i will cover my chest and neck properly because i believe that if i want to wear hijab, it means i want to show that i am a good Muslim albeit a not so pious individual. the least that i can do is cover my parts properly. and this happened throughout my schooling period.

upon entering IPG, it has come upon me that i am going to be a teacher and that means i must wear my hijab all the time. well, i can't describe how glad i am to be in this situation because i can finally do what i want now. undeniably, as those who follows my blog from early on might notice, i started experimenting with hijab. there were normal ones, shawls, syrias and etc. i truly enjoy all those moments in my foundation year when wearing hijab is a priority to me. yet, at the same time i still face the difficulty to make sure this transformation go on smoothly. someone still show his disgusted face whenever i put on my hijab. it was a mental torture to me going through all those time. Allah heard my pray and He softened that person heart in accepting that i am now a full time hijaber.

reaching the end of semester two of my foundation period, i started to look at hijab in a different way. by that time, i quit my usrah for personal reasons and steer my faith on my own. i look at all my hijab and see the weaknesses in them. those hijabs and shawls that i have aren't completely hijab-ing my aurah actually. i admit, i am not and angel or a saint but when it comes to covering myself, i am passionate about it. those hijabs that i have merely cover my hair and neck but not my aurah. sometimes when the wind is strong, the tips of my hijab will accidentally come up and exposed my chest or my neck. although i wear big shirt, i still feel exposed whenever this happened. and this is something that must not be tolerate if i am to practice proper way of wearing hijab.

so i took a drastic change and started wearing bigger hijab. truly, it was so drastic that almost everyone is surprise with my transformation but i did not care about what people think. everything that i do, every changes, every action, it is all on me. i only think of myself first and foremost. i change for myself, to improve myself, to avoid any troubles, to avoid any insecurities. the change proved to be the best thing i ever did in terms of appearance. i did it without any force, any demand, any suggestions or any bad intention. i just want to keep myself safe. Alhamdulillah, my family, friends, special person and the society that i live in accept my transformation with open arms and widest smile.

with the wearing of bigger hijab, i started to correct myself step by step. i stop wearing small clothing, stop those heavy make ups, start wearing stockings and hand-socks, start wearing inner neck, basically i change my appearance like how a Muslim should be. minimal make up is tolerate enough but i grew lazy with them, i give all my shawls and make ups to friends and family and i'm just happy they are jubilant with those surprise gift. but the most precious feedback that i received are those given by the community. people, men and women, look at me with approving nod, encouraging and congratulating me with my decision, always give me moral support to be better, and they look at me with respect. when i walk in public, the men will make way and avoid bumping into me, the women will greet me with smile and no one can really believe that i am that Tesl girl who rant in English in her blog because i don't look like a Tesl student in their perception. so, i did manage to help the Tesl family in portraying a new image and hopefully this might change people's perception towards us Teslian. InsyaAllah.

i am still improving myself from time to time and i must say, it is not easy at all. there are so many challenges and seduction from every corner. i don't go to karaoke anymore, i'm meticulous in choosing my attire, i might have to reject a friend request to do something which is against my portrayed identity and so on. but all i can say is that Allah really help a lot. if famous bloggers like Maria Elena can do it, why can't i? i have no regret fighting all the trials on my own because it proved that i am a lot stronger and i can be stronger.

the changes that we do to ourselves is what matters. its okay if the public doesn't want to believe that we are trying to be better, but Allah knows our intention and he will not leave us if we do not leave Him. there's a lot of way to change, some starts with their inside, some starts with their outside but whichever that we choose, it is okay because we have the effort to change ourselves to be better, no matter how minimal our effort is. if i can make this journey all on my own, then what keeps those who have a lot of support from changing themselves to be good?

its in the heart and in the faith.


exactly.


one day, InsyaAllah.

we are stronger than we think.
toodles.