Ashamed.

today a senior asked me to help her with some grammar problem that she need to explain to her students in the next class. so i said i will try to help her as best as i can. and then she field out the questions and asked for my help on the methods she can use to explain to her students. i was dumbstruck when i read the questions.

i understand the problem and am able to solve it on my own but i'm at lost with words on how to explain it. her students are in Standard Two and are not very fluent on English language. so i gave her the words from my friends' slide presentation regarding the grammar problem but she's still confused and asked me to explain in simpler words. i swear my brain went numb.

so i dig out my Language Description file and study the whole chapter on the aforesaid grammar section and digested it into my brain before coming up with my own version of definition and explanation. thank God she understand them quickly and thus the problem was solved.

but this incident left an epiphany in my mind. i am not a good TESL student. how could i go around carrying the title of a TESL student, who's supposed to be soooooo good in this alien language, when i have trouble explaining some grammar problems to an adult? if in order to explain this grammar thing took me almost half an hour of studying and analyzing, what would happens if in the future someone ask me questions on grammar unexpectedly and i couldn't answer it?

shame.shame.shame!
then i remember some of my seniors who flared up when their grammar were corrected on Facebook. yet they still make the same mistake afterwards in their sentences. i wonder what will happen to their future student? at the same time, i am ashamed of myself for letting myself gets carried away with the perception of others on us. i am not a good student. there's still a lot more to do, a lot more to learn in order to be a teacher who's going to teach English to primary school students.

and teaching young minds is not an easy task. i must explain in details, must have all the answers for their questions, must be able to tell why this is wrong and this is right. must be able to correct their grammar error. must teach them the right way to speak, the intonation, the stress point, the correct spelling, the manner, everything! can i do that? can i really do that? even teaching Syakila made me nervous.

and what makes me sadder is the fact that people just won't stop insinuating.
i really want to be a teacher, by hook or by crook.
why some people just won't stop insinuating me?
is it wrong to state my opinion, to speak what's in my mind?
is it wrong to be a TESL student?