Last Petal : You Are Just Love, And I'm Just A Shadow

I’m like a shadow, following you faithfully everywhere you go, like some kind of hag groping for the lantern bearer in this everlasting darkness. You feel alive knowing I’m desperately yearning for your light. I am the evidence of your sole existence. Me, the grim shadow that sewn my soul to your heart. Me, the mannequin whom you whisper your doubts for the light. Me, the companion that makes you proud, having this little indistinct creature adoring your majestic vigor. Me, the silent amuser who willingly bear all your spitting insults, harsh kicks and killing curses without the need to feel fearful for any kind of devious rebel. Me.

You are just Love. And I’m just Shadow. But you can never deny the truth in your deepest core that you are essentially bounded to the woeful dependency of shadows. Sometimes you hate me so much you feel like tearing me away from your divine existence. But I’ll still be here; embracing you in silent despite your deliberate euphemism. Have you ever try to thoroughly consider the anarchy that would arise if we were all to have remiss attitudes toward our shadows? You are just love. And I’m just a shadow.

I long to hug you in my arms, compelled you to my body, divulge my secret hope, lingering in your presence like a drop of dew at the tip of the morning grass. I long to call you my own, rather than owned by you. how great my longings grow each passing seconds. But you are just love. And I’m just a shadow. So teasingly mine, and so elusive.

Last Petal : Last Lament

i lay in my bed alone in the dark
no light, no voice, no one near
emptiness wrapped this frail tiny spark
of hope that wet the pillow, silent tear


my heart beat slow as my head grow dizzy
tired limbs pulling the cover of  my frustration
as i heave a sigh, painful and heavy
lost; i'm lost in my endless desperation


despite the warm atmosphere of home,none
of the warmth can chase away this cold
is this it,love,is this how its done?
a life of loneliness,a misery of old


watching you slipped from my intimate care
fighting for hope,evading what little sorrow
we,the suffering mannequins in the land of the bare
God,how can i survive tomorrow?    

Last Petal : The White Pine Tree

Once the stars blinking late at night

I hugged the white pine tree close to my chest

The smooth marble stone in my heart it light

To chase the darkness and let it rest

The loyal tree gave me comfort, aye

When sadness hurt my tiny, fragile heart

Provoking drops of painful tears, O how I cry

The sobbing won’t stop once I make it start

In times, it will turn yellowish and dusty

A sign of old age and teenage memory

Still it will be my precious pine tree

And last with it a life as long as it can carry

The white pine tree stood on the shelve, loyal

Watching as my life change, blooming or wilting

A promise made long ago, a promise of eternal

Companion that stay here, forever listening

Last Petal : A Peek From The Past

Once, the exiled leftist fighter and leader of the Angkatan Wanita Sedar (AWAS), Shamsiah Fakeh was granted a most privileged opportunity by Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad who welcome her home, amidst roaring protest from the public, to redeem herself for her involvements in the left-wing party, Malayan People Anti-Japanese Army (MPAJA), and henceforth secure some peace of mind living in the country that she fought tooth and nail for decades ago. After a fail marriage, through which she suffered in the hands of her irresponsible first husband, and a silent yet vicious betrayal from her next husband’s first wife, added with losing her baby in the hands of her fellow party member who killed her child in the jungle in the pretence of handing her baby to safety, not to mention the hunger that she suffered while lost in the jungle during her days as an active fighter, she was a true woman of steel as she move on with her life, still fighting and believing in the party’s ways despite losing so much in her life all in the name of achieving independence for Tanah Melayu. In the end, she returned to her beloved motherland on 23^rd of July 1994 after years of living in hardship in the equality-oriented Communist land of China. She glows with gratefulness every time divulging her times in that nation which opens their arms to her when she was searching for security to protect her family. During her last days in Malaysia, she stood by her words that she never feels any regret for choosing to fight for independence with the leftist. She breathe her last on 20^th October 2008 at her son’s residence and was buried at Sungai Besi Muslim Cemetery where approximately 100 relatives and friends of numerous racial background gathered to pay their last respect for her.

                                                      

Not many youngsters know her existence, let alone her atrocious story simply because they choose to ignore her due to her undeniable commitments to the leftist. The perception that they have for her are crueler than Pol Pot’s regime in Cambodia, so to speak. Maybe this is because we are implemented intentionally with this particular perception that anyone associated with the leftist are as cruel as the blood-sucking vampire in the old black and white movies. And to have any connections with them deems highly inappropriate and unworthy in our discriminating eyes.

These radical avengers, Shamsiah Fakeh, Rashid Maidin, Abdullah C.D, and even the extremely cunning, most-wanted big man, Chin Peng, were our country’s most vicious blood traitors if we decidedly ignore their side of stories. Why do we take lightly their motives so blatantly? Are we a better human than them? Will we willingly pick up military weapons and claimed we are prepared to die for Malaysia?  They have their own reasons and objectives. The Malays in the radical movements were quite pious if compared to the honorable leaders in the right party yet they were damned and hated because they chose to wrap themselves in the flags of radicalism. Insults were their food, accusations were their spouses, yet they shoulder on their determination and resilient dreams to help gain independence for their sacred soil in which we carelessly criticize and leisurely make fun of nowadays with regards to no one but our own foolish satirical indulgence.

What we learned during all those sleepy afternoon with history textbook telling our mind to just doze off and treat the never ending lines like a little caterpillar ready to be quashed flat felt like torturous years to our teenagers soul was actually very basic information to our country’s past. Due to government guidelines that we are ordered to obey so that any radical ideas does not take form in the mind of future generations are undeniably a lame way to teach us about history. In order to learn the truth about a specific subject, we have to see it and hear the facts from both sides without any discrimination clouding our acceptance and judgment so that any respond that we might come up with will be purely based on rationality and professional used of our intellectual perspectives.   

Sometimes, truth is seen in the eyes of outsider. But the truth that these outsiders saw might not be applicable in our education system as we can’t deny that the little devil in each of us loves twisting the truth with exaggerations and personal opinions which unfortunately influence our views on a certain subjects. Take for example, the roaring political war between the government and the Opposition in which the supporters plays the puppet role to perfection. The pro-government keeps accusing and insulting the opposition with wanton tactics to bring down the ruling party just because they are given the subsidized oil and fertilizers thus making them feel obligated to give their support to the party which give a meager sum of help just to cover up their corrupted soul. And the Opposition adoring believers vibrantly defends their de facto leader with hours of rallies and peaceful demonstration for the sake of maintaining their leader’s innocent image despite the latter remarks on their so-called beloved country and people. Don’t tell me there is a perfectly clean leader nowadays as that is the biggest lie in our bone. Does all these obsessive intrusion necessary in the country’s development? Why must we tarnish our hard-earned independent nation with all these trashy political drama? Decades ago, some people sacrificed their life and wealth to secure freedom for us, the current generation, despite being stamped with horrendous labels yet now we found ourselves playing the roles of unresponsive audience to a stupendously romanticized political drama that is potentially destructive and capable of letting our pathetic history repeating itself.

Simply stated, do we really need to see our country faltering away in derisive political corruption before our befuddle mind can actually projected a bankable solution to restoring our country’s development to immortalize in everlasting independence?

Last Petal : Malays and English Language

I am a Malay, albeit the many foreign bloods that flows in my vein, and will still be a Malay even if I marry an African in the future. (it is an interesting possibility! ^^)

But just because I’m Malay, it doesn’t mean that you can stamped your typical expectation on me like most Malays I met did. It is a grave mistake when all we do is assuming without really understanding something. It is important for you to be informed that I am the oddball here.

            As a good friend of mine, Mr Abel Athi Kumar, once said to me during our first conversation in Literature class that went a bit like this :

“So, you are Fatehah right?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Welcome to lit class!”

“Thank you!”

“Its hard to find a Malay, girl some more, learning literature.”

And all I did was flashed a smile at him.

            Yes, it is indeed a rarity to find a Malay who breathe English language like me in this town of Muar. And I can definitely say it is impossible to find another oddball like me in SAB. Most Malay girls in my former school prefer conversing in the mother tongue. I am the oddball here, as proven by the wide-eyed stare given by my dear friend, Kylie Soh Cai Fan, when I expressed my burning desire to learn Mandarin. Kylie is the greatest teacher, compelling me to dive deeper into the interesting language.

            Yes, I am a weird girl but I’d like to believe that my strange obsessions are for my own good later in life. I have no intention whatsoever to be a normal Malay and am truly narcissistic when it comes to this. Maybe it is a part of my destiny that I will use Narcissus as my alter ego. Life itself is mysterious and full of adventure waiting for us to discover the hidden treasure. Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad in his book clearly instilled in me the precious teaching that ‘there are always lesson to be learnt, if only we have the wisdom to see them’. (A Doctor In The House The Memoirs Of Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad)

           Ever since I’m in standard four, I knew by heart that my future lies somewhere along the language line. Hence, my determination to realized that dream into a reality became my sole motivation when it comes to learning English. Living in a community where the Malays are brought up true to their core, I became the outcast here as most of my peers are the a-bit-reluctant type of human beings. They are inclined to be a bit sensitive and apprehensive when it comes to conversing in English. One of the most unfavorable feedback that I despise ultimately when speaking with my peers is this :

Me        : “ wah~ ape macam? Dah lama tak jumpa ni, there must be a lot of things 

                happening around you! Story sikit lah~”

Answer : “Tau lah pandai Inggeris, tak payah la berlagak pulak. Kau tu Melayu lah.” 

           

            Whenever I get this kind of answer, I will just reply a polite “Ok” and leave the person mumbling his/her curse at me. I asked the question in the politest way that I can possibly came up with therefore there is no reason for that person to be so darn annoying and ignorant! But this is the fact with the typical Malays. Some of them thinks it is a betrayal to their own roots if they change their ways especially ways which goes totally against their ancestral practice. We must stop being a typical Malay if we don’t want to be left behind in this ever-changing world.

            I might be too immersed in my current reading of Tun Dr M’s memoirs but the blatant reason is just that I am affirmatively agreeable and supportive when he discussed about the Malays and their dilemmas. The Malays must change their mentality and look at things in a different perspective if they want to give the Chinese and the Indians a good run of their knowledge as it is a common knowledge that we are always legging behind them. What we need is an all out transformation that will levitate us to a greater level. English must not be regarded as another subject that burdens our brain in examination for the sake of entering good universities. The Malays must accept the brutal fact that only through English we can globalize ourselves as almost 90% of the medium in education available are in English language which prompted us to kick away our typical mind and rebirth ourselves in a more positive light. The Chinese and Indians that I’ve met are always eager in replying my questions in English despite some of them not very fluent in this global subject. Still, they did their best even though most of the time they use the Manglish (yes, the ‘lah’, ‘lor’ and ‘wor’!). As a Malaysian, I think it is acceptable to use Manglish simply because it shows that at least we are making the effort to better ourselves.

           The Malays, having live under much pampered by the government since independence must vacate their comfort zone and venture out to challenge themselves in order to experience the reality of life themselves. In this era where technologies are changing continuously, we have to make it a point that English is the key to conquering the top spot. Master the language, we can be the potential winner. Fail, we die in a war against the world. Sacrifice are our only way towards that glory end. The Malays must, and always, remembers that it is not a betrayal to their roots if they choose to increase their skills in facing this competitive world as it is arguably an important step to enhance the image of Malays in the global stage.

Finally, I can only say that I am not, and will never be, afraid to be called a race-traitor by some of the lunatics out there as I believe in making myself a better and educated person. Yes, I am the English language freak who find the greatest pleasure in reaching out to people through this one way that most individual of my race shun decidedly. I am a Malay, and a weird one.

Last Petal : Sabah Trip

ok,ok, i will blog about this trip although there's not that much enthusiasm anymore on my behalf.
(bad narcs!)

i went to grandma's house on 15th march as my uncle said we will hit the road at 2 in the morning, heading to kajang and fetch  kak maz at her house. so, my uncle get some sleep while i dote last petal a bit before we hit the road. all the way we bla,bla,bla and crooning all our beloved songs i swore we were the loudest car on the highway! XD

reached kak maz's house, we bla,bla,bla lagi before heading to the airport. i was a bit excited and super NERVOUS as that was the first time i'm flying! and the fact that i am veerrrryyyyyy scared of heights made my feet  wobbly lah. ==" boarding mas plane sent me gulping and praying that the plane won't crash down! XD after overcoming the adrenaline rush, i was darn bored seeing nothing else except the clouds though at first i DID acted like a five years old when we took off. ==the only thing that i missed about the flight was the amazing nasi lemak and the heavenly ferrero rocher they served! XD

after a looooong two and a half hour of lolling up in the air, we landed in kota  kinabalu airport! yayayay!!
i was the happiest person leaving the plane! XD XD
so, we got our 'visa' and went snip snap lah~ lol

                         

    ah~ my bag was the biggest among the lots~XD

then we head to our hotel and literally threw our bags and dash out as we were supposed to be at the island now~ yayay! seems fun, huh?
life is really unexpected. our means of  transportation is a van which literally ran on DIESEL but the 'clever' teacher@driver wasted rm 120 on PETROL which resulted in us STRANDED 150m away from the gas station and 250m away from our hotel. nice distance, kan? the funny thing is, we were stranded right in front of the airport! XD so, instead of walking back to our very near hotel, we spend two hours and fourty-five minutes at the roadside, practically having picnic while counting all the aeroplane that took off and landed at the airport! that was hilarious! kak maz was damn tired waiting for the owner of the van to come that she repeatedly kicked the van! lol to add the happiness, it rains and the female teachers were practically shouting, asking everyone to stay inside the van for fear of the radiation-infested rains! XD
at last the owner came and after a hyper bantering, it was decided that the van will be fixed at our own cost.  so, the gents stayed behind whilst the ladies and one little boy head back to the hotel,walking in the rain. ah~ damn romantic~

it was eight pm when uncle called and said we were ready to go! everyone hyper again and we head out for a nice dinner, joined by their ex-students who were studying in usm sabah. thare were three of them. i sat in front of a boy called azlee or something like that lah. he had the most extraordinary laugh! it went like this : cicicici~ XD isn't that extraordinary!! we ate chicken wing and tom yam and whats whats lah though i didn't eat anything as i was too absorbed in the ecstasy of mango smoothies! i wasn't hungry by the way. so, after everyone got buncit tummy, we leave in peace. hohoho that azlee tried to get my phone number but the presence of ten teachers stopped him. lol what la. he could just asked for my facebook name, right? haiyo~we reached the hotel where i scared the living hell out of kak maz with ghost stories! darn, i was good! XD

on the second day, we packed our bags and hit the road for kundasang~~yatta~
the journey was great as we jokes and laugh and keep reminding cikgu nazri NOT to fill in petrol everytime we stopped at the gas station. lol poor him! soon, we reached this nice place where we snip snap with smile on our faces. everybody was on alert call with their cameras! lol

                         
                                      it was a bit cold~~

uncle and me~

me, uncle,kak maz

done snapping shots, we continue our journey to mount kinabalu summit trail where we snaps like crazy again! XD awesome scenery tau!

grand kak maz!

 then, we head to our hotel in strawberry garden and more snapshot here~ but this picture here is my favourite lah~

homemade strawberry ice cream~

after checking in and inspecting the room, we went out for a nice sight seeing where we stopped at a place with lots of... PINE TREE!!! hooray~~! i was on cloud nine when i saw the trees! at last, i found them! ^^

the toodles~

the whole gang~ XD

our next programme was a trip to the desa Cattle Sdn Bhd where we experienced the most amazing new zealand-like atmosphere while watching the cows and, of course, indulging in our clicking habit~ XD

taara~~ XD

i love this pic!

cheese~~

we're off to new zealand, uncle! XD

and get out again to the oh-so-tranquil Poring hotspring where we stopped for a peep at the blooming rafflesia~ ^^

darn! the soil stuck under the sole! ><

ahh~~soaking my feet is hyper relaxing!

yayaya! i'm lazy to blog ni that's why i let the pics tell the whole story~ besides, it is well known that a picture tells a thousand stories~ *winks*

but the funny thing was when our returned trip to kota kinabalu! we were laughing and all in the van driven by the soft spoken cikgu nazri and were having a blasting time when suddenly cikgu nazri said

"lepas ni boleh la kite pergi pulau manukan!"

..........again! =="

and sure enough, two minutes (i actually counted!) afterwards tragedy struck us down!

one of the tires exploded and left us STRANDED.....AGAIN!!! ><

and this time we were caught at a very sharp selekoh in the middle of nowhere! woots~

so, me and kak hanim were the volunteer traffic police here! i put on uncle's VERY RED jumper and acted out as the traffic light there! and the added woots was that all the vehicles especially the super big and long lorries were super fast which made me praying none will langgar me and kick the living lives out of us! ><

hilarious thing was, kak hanim can actually joke around and pranks like we were in some playground, copying actors and blurting out ridiculous dialogues from a bunch of movies! 

uncle was 'the mechanic of the day' when he went down and dirty replacing the tyre of the van! 

3 cheers for uncle~~!  ^O^

at last we reached kk and went on checking the other tires as well. soon, we headed straight to our hotel and everybody rested their tired bodies~ at night we went to pasar kraftangan and all of them shopping like crazy! XD one gangster-like man actually tried selling what was apparently supposed to be an iPhone to me for 300 bucks. totally absurd! ==

the last day at sabah, we spend with shopping and loitering around the airport where i had a very delicious breakfast at mcd. love the coffee! ^^

with kak hanim~ ^^

hahahahah!

for the sake of snip snapping!XD

my ticket! XD

last snap on board before leaving the plane~ XD

landed at KLIA and closing my sabah adventure~ 

Last Petal : the good swearing

what is simple,u asked?
well, swearing...in a good way..and words! ^^
why would i blog about swearing,u asked?
well, to encourage better use of words and expanding our vocabs.
there you go, fellar ~  XD

it is widely acceptable that we,as human beings, are always tempted to cross our limit and blurt out some not music-to-my-ear-like words when our tolerance is push to the edge of our soul. so, swearing seems to be the best way to 'express' our displeasure towards certain things..and people.

but instead of of tormenting people's ears and hurting their surviving hearts with all the Fs, Bs, and their cahoots, why don't we create some new words that not only lessen the hurt we might imply to others but can actually be regarded as a good humour, in terms of. i have always found annoyance and totally disapprove the words that youngsters nowadays used in their daily conversation, especially the Malays. pardon this weird blogger but i am not trying to bring my on race down but merely suggesting a different way to uphold ourselves.

if you are a malay, dear readers, do think about what i have to say as it is, i believe, for your own good. undeniably, we heard a lot of cacat, bodoh, gila, babi, and whatnots coming from malays when they are deep in conversation with their peers. this is the biggest mistake, i believe, that we can ever afford when it comes to the value of friendship. if you are a good-friend-till-the-end, why would you slap your friend with such hurtful and degrading words? why don't we try to change those words into something more pleasant like mentol or even aiskrim which not only sounds funny but is also less hurtful. our friend might even laugh along with the names!

i swear the only mandarin swearing words that i have ever used is only a tiny siao which blurted out of my mouth occasionally. lol i rarely use ta pian (forgive the wrong pin yin ya! XD) except when totally angry. hohoho swearing in different language is a boon to us. although japanese's saite is not that nice of a word, it is still amusing watching people's blur faces~ XD and korean's micheo are an occasional replacement of mandarin's siao~ XD

now let narcs tell you why she loves swearing in english! hahahah
even though the popular Fs and Bs are the first choice for many, it is interesting to know that you don't really have to write those words letter by letter thanks to the short form LOL, WTH, WTF and etc that allow us the chance to not mentioning the whole unfortunate words. on the other perspective, we can absolutely feel free to come up with new terms such as bananas, woots, and even merlin's beard!
see,see? english is so rockapaloozacowabunga the land of unlimited freedom of words!

so, happy swearing with the good words,folks! XD

Last Petal : dedicated to Vincent Tay

O brother
let me walk upon those divine trail
of thy careful steps that grace my life
shrine of knowledge upon which thou hail
instill in me thy wisdom, firm and strife

O brother
share with me thy growing fears
and leave behind thy doubts in shadow
i'll be there wiping away thy falling tears
and stand beside thee in the face of sorrow

O brother
sing to me thy words of cherished yesterdays
memories that hold thy oath in eternal line
till each morning the sun equally lays
gentle whispers that say all is fine

O brother
if hope can make dreams come true
and love turns the looming black sky clear
a part of me will always be with you
wishing to be thy little sister forever

Last Petal : soliloquy

i observed. i try to understand. i think.

every moves, words, glances, tones, all are capable of showing us the little things in life that we ignore over times. are we really doing our best? are we really becoming ourselves?

or are we just a dry leaf, swirling wherever the winds fly us?

i am 18. life in high school seems so far away from us now. and i am only 18.

i go out into the real world, where money is suddenly the deathly assignment that we have to think and bear with everyday, every single second. no more thunderous voices of teachers ringing across the hall, no more deadly stare over unfinished homeworks. no more school. 

i see my dear friends sigh deeply upon receiving their paycheck, counting the days for the next cycle. no more freedom demanding money from the parents. i hear them lamenting on the struggle they have to face everyday, wishing time can stop during the best school days. 

i go out, meet fresh face, stood in awe towards that great energy that vibrate us in life. real life. friends changed, and i, myself, changed. obligations are always the reason i ended up feeling older each passing day. and we start to sit down and wonder how our parents did this for years on. will we succeed like them?

i became more sensitive to people's feelings, their minds, their perspectives, their heart. 

but is it enough? 

we leave the school, we leave the friends. we stay connected through technologies and all those modern gizmo's, but is a poke in facebook  and occasional comments exchange enough? is it worthwhile having thousands of friends in facebook when in reality we don't even recognize three-quarters of them?

what have we become? 

ourselves........or dry leaf?

Last Petal : The First Professional Interview

It was 18^th April 2011. Cloudy Monday.

My first ever professional interview.

Somehow  I can’t explained why I was not NERVOUS at all!

It was a joke, wasn’t it? = =

The forever awkward Narcissus was not nervous or having cold feet anticipating her first ever interview!

Well, maybe because it was an English-related interview in which I can rattle on and on in this beloved language thus making me a total kettle, spouting steam of  words till someone poke me to stop! Lolz!

Reaching IPG Perempuan Melayu, I saw some other candidates. (why so cliché ni??)

So, my father dropped me off, said a simple ‘Good Luck!’ and he went jalan-jalan around Malacca, leaving me to survive on my own. Thank you, abah! = = I was damn nervous I can’t sit still. So, I asked the help of a dear friend to chat with me and calm my nerves down. THANK YOU, PUCK!!! YOU ARE THE BEST! ^^

So, I approached a table and went through all my documents and stuff, like I did two days before as INSISTED by my concern abah, before resorting to the fact that it was pointless worrying too much. So, I patronized the table with my bag and files and sat quietly, flipping through The Star for some current information. I can’t believe I actually read every pages of the newspaper! Hahaha!

Wait, wait! Why am I not nervous at all?? ><!

I kept asking myself this particular question over and over again until finally agreeing that I was too disappointed with my previous MUET test in which the question was a total garbage compared to what I’ve been studying like heck!

Soon, a girl and her mother sat with me and we were soon engaged in some on-off civil conversations. And more girls dressed up glamorously joined us. I feel like a total sad picture here in my simple black baju kurung and light purple headscarf. Hahahah! But wait! All of them were nineteen years old. Why am I the underdog here? Due to my awkwardness, I kept quiet.

Then we went near the interview room. Eh? Why did the door bear the M1OA code? I checked my letter an saw that my code was M1OC. I asked one of the sister about the confusing code and was slapped with a shocking information that my interview room was AT THE BACK! So, I rushed to my centre (with the pretty sisters running with me in heels!) and was absolutely flabbergasted because my interview started fifteen minutes ago and I was late! *dies*

The prettiest sister pat my shoulder and ushered me to enter. My feet was wobbly when I entered the room! Luckily they welcomed me! Everyone was doing the INSAK test so I  tip-toed quickly to the front seat and threw all my things on the floor and hastily went on answering the simple etiquette questions. The most hilarious thing that happened shortly afterward was enough to make me a famous name among the candidates! Hahahah!

I was reading the second question when suddenly a loud 2PM’s ‘ I’ll Be Back’ song killed the silence!!!! = = “

A Korean pop sound in the middle of an important professional test. Dead Narcissus.

I grabbed my Nokia X3 from the crowded bag and switched on the silent mode amidst the stares that bore all over the back of my head! And to that person, thanks for calling me out of care. I am NOT mad at all~ ^^

It was a hilarious thing after all. The candidates must feel relaxed a bit after this little interruption on my part. Lolz!

Well, the INSAK test  was simple enough that I finished all the 135 yes-no questions within twenty minutes only. Afterwards, we were shoved outside and we began mixing around. I must say this, I met the most friendly bunch of people there! By the end of the day, Hidayah, Atika, Juseha and Winson are my friend! Welcome aboard to Narcissus’s odd world, friends! ^^

Our chit chat was stopped abruptly when the interviewer asked all of us to enter the room for group discussion. I was half-afraid on how would I fare the discussion without my 10 suns and ge ge and mei mei here with me. Ah! Shiver me timber! God help me.

We were seated accordingly and was given the topic of our discussion which was something about our co-curricular activities and how it benefits us. So that nice girl in blue attire started the conversation and soon we were discussing for real and my confidence level increased gradually. Yahoo! Knowing me, I was good at intervening conversation rather than starts one! We discussed on and on and I think I was too absorbed in voicing out my view sometimes. I was enjoying the discussion lah! And everytime everybody went silent, I field out questions to them! The silence made me more nervous so I continued rattling whatnots aje! Hahahaha~

Finished the group session, we were shove outdoor again and quickly immersed ourselves in the previous discussion! Wah! A bit relaxed ni knowing that only the personal interview left for us. While chatting about, the interviewer popped out his head and called out my friend, Hidayah. Wah~ ~ ~ Second round interview started already! So, the rest of us chit chat some more to calm our nervous self! We were listening attentively to Winson’s PLKN experience when Hidayah came out, smiling and relieved. OMG!! My turn is up! Everyone wished me luck and I entered the room, head held high despite my legs turning jelly! XD

Surprisingly, I wasn’t that nervous once I entered the room! Weird Narcs….. = =

The kind but firm Chinese female interviewer asked for my documents and stuffs and was smiling when she saw that I was a bit clumsy!

“ Relax.. why are you nervous? You are a black belt holder. Calm down ya.”

“ I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“ Its okay. Have a seat. I will give you three minutes to calm yourself, keep you poise up. Your certificates boast an active girl ya. Very good.”

The interview started!

“ In your essay, you told me that you are from Muar. What is the best thing about Muar?”

“ Personally, I think the best thing about Muar is the FOOD! XD”

And I rattled on about the mee bandung, ABC, mamak stall, roti canai, teh tarik, sushi, the numerous cozy café and all! Lolz

“Do you like to read? What is your current reading?”

 “ I love to read! I am a bookworm! I’m currently reading A Doctor In The House, Tun Dr Mahathir’s memoir and Hamka’s Falsafah Hidup.”

And again, I rattled on about the contents of the books. I think I blabbed too much lah because both the interviewer listen to my passionate explanations with smiles that said

 ‘this girl is so talkative!’. Lolz

“ Do you read the newspaper? What is the latest news that you know?”

“ I read about the SUPP’s president, Tan Sri George Chan’s decision to quit all active politics due to his coalition in Sarawak’s polling.”

With that, I continued on with the calling back for PPSMI and a facebook story  which is created by an insurance company featuring a gay couple asking for public help to support their decision to marry but ended with the younger partner killed in a hit and run. And the message that appeared after that pitiful incident is a lousy ‘love your partner. Get an insurance today!’. That was a degrading, totally woots way to promote their insurance! Who the hell they think they are? Playing with people’s interest like that? Stupid company! ><!

“What is your intention applying for teaching post?”

“ I wanted to change people’s mind about English language. I grew up speaking in English with my family and I was the oddball in school as a result from this.”

I told them all my motives and aim which may sound a bit radical to my Malay friends. Sorry peeps. But I am determined in changing the Malay’s perspective regarding this global language!

“If you are send to the rural Sabah or Sarawak, do you think you will be okay with it?”

“ Totally no problem! I am an active and adventurous person. You can throw me to the remotest part of Sabah or Sarawak, I WILL SURVIVE! I am all up for the challenge.”

( I was thinking of the fresh air of Kundasang, actually! Lolz )

“Well, you certainly are interesting. That is the last part for your interview and now you are finish. You may leave now. (she’s smiling)”

“Thank you very much.”

I burst out of the room, practically jumping in front of my friends! Sooooooooo relief! I continued chit chatting with the rest and sharing whatever I can to help them in the interview. It would be the greatest thing if all of us succeed! Hidayah. Atikah, Winson and Juseha, ganbatte!!! Hope can meet all of you again! ^^

Last Petal : untittled

if love is enough, why this long silence

fill our heart, where spring once dancing

why the shadow of our difference

loom over this love song i'm singing

i look at you in the eyes

and see the future in my dream

through every hope that arise

my heart bath in golden stream

but i'm a fragile little flower 

who yearn for the warmth of your sun

the moment you find another lover

my petals fall, and life be done

what burning passion can i give you

when you hide behind your lie 

things will never be the same, its true

our love; our love just wilt and die

Last Petal : Love Lost Lament

o! such breathtaking beauty you are to me
my heart yearn for you in each beating seconds
can you be my love, my heart,my dearest honey?
and stay by my side through all seasons


whisper of your name stir this longing heart
and left it lost in those swirling pool of your glance
i knew you belong to someone else,but
i couldn't live throwing the tiniest chance


i keep loving you by any means nature will allow
life's so short, you pitch and you toss
if you are not my joy, then be part of my sorrow
a hidden love,ah, my heart is loss,loss,loss!


goodbye now,love,sweetest clamentine
our time together is just a drop of innocent dew
i'll feel your presence in the sun's warm shine 
even if i die, i'll die loving you

Last Petal : For Jemima Wee

for every tears that you shed
every pain that you gain 
we could only pray and hope that 
your smile will someday curve again 


for every bones that were fractured
every soul that suffer badly
may the sunlight still be captured
and live blooming the sweetest memories


for every broken spirit that scream
every heartbeat that survived
live and fight for your dream
awaits you in this long journey drive


for every love ones that you lost
every words that is yet to be pen
dear heart, deny that turbulent chaos  
we're here, with you till the end


for every new day that greets you
every challenges coming your way
we'll stand by and forever hugs you
and won't let any love go astray



*this is the poem that i wrote long ago, in the hope of
showing my love for her when God test her in life. i hope she
will always be safe in God's care and shine in her life.*

Last Petal : Moving On

like the silent bird of night 
i held my tears through this horrible pain
with love for you in my fragile heart
i swear my tears won't drop again 


but today you tell me calm and clear 
her hand replaced mine for you to hold
its as if time choose to stop forever 
i feel this freezing cold, i'm growing old


reality struck me, hard and bitter
no more ringing bells,no more tinkling chime
your love left me, i'm an empty timber
no tears i wept can turn back the time 


the moment i knew i'm just a name
a piece of soul left this hopeful eye
its the saddest joke to play this game
go away, just go away and die


today,
let me cry till my tears run dry
i'm moving on, so this is goodbye

Last Petal : for thee

O, where a point shouldst i beginth 
This tale of love cherished in my soul 
Believe doth i with all my faith 
Thy pure love for me till i growst old 


Though young by heart, matured by mind
A gentle word from thy divine voice
Thou art the one who maketh me start 
All this trusting,loving and golden rejoice


Wherefore thou sweetest smile 
Shalt chase my fears and tears i wept 
Even if we're separate for thousand mile
Have i love for thee and for thou be kept


Be it longest day or shortest night 
Nor misty rain nor driest drought 
Be mine and be thine this warmest light 
To light our way in steps we trod

Last Petal : 10 Suns

The highest sun in this small kingdom

Shining through the darkest ray

Embrace us with thy bright wisdom 

Lighting our life each passing day

This second sun the coolest star

In thy sweet smile, naturally blend

After years of searching, near and far

Here he stand, my benevolent friend

O bumbling sun with joyful ray

Send thy warmth in ringing laughter

Stand beside me on this pavement gray

Chase this winter, bid thy summer

Silent sun a name for thee

Hidden beneath thy polite self

For every words thou speak to me

In my memory lane shall thee forever dwelve 

A mystery sun thy will always be 

Lone ranger and quirky blankness

Estranged soul, mind and body

No matter what, thou give me happiness

Gather around this singing sun 

In melodious glow thy voice cheerfully soar

What joy we have, a long lasting fun

When thou depart, teary rain shall pour

Come my sun, come make my day

Thy reflection firm in this peaceful lake

In carefree hands shall this friendship stay 

Till our old day be, i wont let it break 

Energetic sun smiling brightly 

Across turbuling mountains, brilliant ocean blue

Thou warm hugs a welcome for me 

By thy side i shall stand and stay true

Cutest sun with beautiful eyes 

A gentle touch of grace and love 

In cozy scent shall our friendship lies 

Our fervent song touch the sky above 

This littlest sun with cuddly style 

A charming bloom in my colourful garden

Take my hand, together we run wild

With gentle breeze through all season

10 suns light this eternity hall

Dearest great friends, i love you all! 

my blog will never ever be complete without this poem! ^^

Wipe Your Tears

Wipe your tears , dear
Come face me at this final stand
You must be strong and accept
That our love has come to the end

Wipe your tears, now
And carve your bravest smile
We will survived this fate, somehow
And reminisce back this longest mile

Wipe your tears, stand up
And look forward to that golden land
It is as we wish, this pathetic break up
Leave now, and let go of my hand

Wipe your tears,enough
Release all till it run dry
I know it's hard, i know it's tough
But now is the time to bid goodbye