its the same reason.
sometimes, when you've been hurt too many times, all it needs is just one single feel of loneliness that could trigger your thoughts into a chaotic emotional scene. perhaps, being hurt over and over again makes some of us become too sensitive towards certain act or words done by others, who knew nothing about our heart's bitter experiences.
often, we try to hide that resentment or sadness but trust me, no matter how clever we are at hiding, the truth will come to light in one moment of tell-all showdown. its true that no matter how many times we've been hurt, we will tell ourselves that we are strong, and that this suffering will pass, just like the previous one. we shall stand once again with smiles on our face and march on gallantly.
but for how long?
too many times we patch up our hearts, mend it back to life, sew the wounds shut with our tears and sleepless nights, yet in the end it all comes down to just another drama repeating itself. why do we let our hearts suffer the same torture? is it because we want to believe so much, we dare to risk every little faith we have and trust forward our hearts in someone's hand? is it because we are so afraid of the loneliness that we seek to find some security in someone's care?
it seems like we never learn from the past at all. or that the past is just as pale as our future when it comes to certain things in our life. how come the moment we find some shelter, some security, some care and love, there will be this tiny feeling that clouded our mind with negative thoughts? how come that we could make our hearts brazen up towards the coming bliss, yet we fail to let our mind forget those awful past?
and we call ourselves immune to heartache.
how so? is it immunity when we actually broke down and cry over the tiniest misunderstanding? sometimes when we face one situation that could jeopardize our heart and emotion, we opt out the easiest way to save everything we can. apologize.
apologize despite our hearts suffering much of the blow.
yet we knew that is the only way to secure ourselves from facing another bitter revelation. it has come to the point that in order to secure what is in our hands, we will do every single thing that we can to make what stays in our grip, stays forever. even if it means losing out our ego and tears every now and then.
sometimes we are so desperate.
we are desperate to love and be loved back, to hold and to cherish, to share and to care. we are desperate to be part of someone's world. desperate to show that despite all the breakdowns that we face in the past, we are still here, still standing to once again show that we could be the one who's going to light up a smile on someone's face. we are so keen on proving our worth.
yet sometimes we cry.
crying is not a sign that we are weak.
no. never. crying is a sign that despite all the heartache, we are still prepare to love and comfort someone. we cry because we are afraid of losing, afraid of being alone again. the thought that there is a person out there who is disappointed with us makes us crazy with regret. until we would do anything just to get that person's confident in us once again.
our hearts are fragile, its true.
we cry not because we are weak,
but because we love too much.
and the prospect of losing is too much to bare alone.
our hearts are fragile, but its strong in its own way.
#suddenly tonight i feel so emotional. wtf.
The Storm.
sometimes when we have misunderstanding like this, my head will grow chaotic and tired. often, i find myself staring at the sky wistfully, hoping for some sign that all will turn out well the next day. its like a mantra, to seek out the answers from the sky who knew nothing but to cry pouring rain and streak out the heat of the Sun. the sky is my symbol of hope, of strength, of pure believe because no matter how much you hurt the sky, it will be there comes tomorrow.
we always find the reason to held each others hands in no time, for fear that the storm might break our ship apart if we failed to stand by each others side. alas, there's time too when the storm crack too strong until even our hands grow pale and frail when the sound rock the sky. and we might be separated for a period of time, no glimpse of light shine from our unspoken words.
the silence goes on, dragging us to desperate shadows in the corner of our hearts. and we, you and i, both know that when the shadow caught us in its shade, the only light that could save us is the light of our love. in troubled time like this, memories flashes through my mind like the lightning. those laughter, those tears, those whispers. everything.
and my heart will grow cold, very, very cold. i yearn for your love to warmth my heart, to prevent it from dying in loneliness. my hands reach for you, for your sole existence, but you are too far. for once, you are out of my reach, and i lay here in despair, all gloomy and frail, for even my tears could not sustain anything.
thus, i am nothing save for my hope. my hope is the only thing that keep me convince that you would not leave me after all the memories that we shared together. my hope is the only entity that tells me there is light for us, and after the storm appeased its wrath, the sky will turn bright again.
and then my heart shall rejoice once more in your arms.
we always find the reason to held each others hands in no time, for fear that the storm might break our ship apart if we failed to stand by each others side. alas, there's time too when the storm crack too strong until even our hands grow pale and frail when the sound rock the sky. and we might be separated for a period of time, no glimpse of light shine from our unspoken words.
the silence goes on, dragging us to desperate shadows in the corner of our hearts. and we, you and i, both know that when the shadow caught us in its shade, the only light that could save us is the light of our love. in troubled time like this, memories flashes through my mind like the lightning. those laughter, those tears, those whispers. everything.
and my heart will grow cold, very, very cold. i yearn for your love to warmth my heart, to prevent it from dying in loneliness. my hands reach for you, for your sole existence, but you are too far. for once, you are out of my reach, and i lay here in despair, all gloomy and frail, for even my tears could not sustain anything.
thus, i am nothing save for my hope. my hope is the only thing that keep me convince that you would not leave me after all the memories that we shared together. my hope is the only entity that tells me there is light for us, and after the storm appeased its wrath, the sky will turn bright again.
and then my heart shall rejoice once more in your arms.
My biggest flaw.
perhaps, my biggest flaw, my eternal downside is my inability to display my emotion or affection. yes, i admit, i sucks big time at showing my emotion, especially in public's eyes. because to me, any kind of emotion or affection that i have is exclusive; its not for the public to see and judge. i show my affection in private, far from prying eyes.
or perhaps, my heart is too dry. i've been thought not to show my emotion, to always be the calm one. but in the end, i become too uptight. and there's no way to turn back the time. i don't cry in public, i don't lash out my anger in public, i don't laugh easily at jokes, in fact, i rarely display any kind of emotion in public. yes, i am always the girl with the blank, numb, expressionless face all these while.
this flaw isolated me from other people. few people like to stay in my presence due to my stone face. the bad impact from me, i'm late at responding to people's attempt at emotional reaction. or should i say i can't understand jokes when others laugh their heart out? i am always blur. always the numb one.
too often, this flaw become the starting point of my misunderstanding with others. i don't laugh at their jokes, and they think i'm egoistic. i don't approve of their styles, and they think i'm too much. i don't wave at them, and they think i'm ignorant.
i keep all my reaction inside for too long until i don't know how to let them out again. i'm happy to see someone passing by but i don't know how i should react. should i greet them with a big smile or should i ask them to chat up a bit? i'm stuck. in the end that person will pass me by without getting anything and i'll be the one labelled as the ignorant fool.
i'm not good at expressing my feelings in words. when i'm happy, all i could think about is just to give a hug. when i'm sad, angry or upset, i'd get out of the place, so that no one can see me cry later on. when i see someone that makes me happy, i'd get all shy and controlled and act as if i'm calm, so that no one knows i'm jumping inside.
i'm not good at showing my emotion or affection in public.
i'm truly sorry for this big flaw in me.
if you know me well, i'm sure you can see right through me.
i try to overcome this flaw but it doesn't seems like its gonna go away in the nearest time.
i am still as much a mannequin as i was back in high school.
forgive my flaw.
or perhaps, my heart is too dry. i've been thought not to show my emotion, to always be the calm one. but in the end, i become too uptight. and there's no way to turn back the time. i don't cry in public, i don't lash out my anger in public, i don't laugh easily at jokes, in fact, i rarely display any kind of emotion in public. yes, i am always the girl with the blank, numb, expressionless face all these while.
this flaw isolated me from other people. few people like to stay in my presence due to my stone face. the bad impact from me, i'm late at responding to people's attempt at emotional reaction. or should i say i can't understand jokes when others laugh their heart out? i am always blur. always the numb one.
too often, this flaw become the starting point of my misunderstanding with others. i don't laugh at their jokes, and they think i'm egoistic. i don't approve of their styles, and they think i'm too much. i don't wave at them, and they think i'm ignorant.
i keep all my reaction inside for too long until i don't know how to let them out again. i'm happy to see someone passing by but i don't know how i should react. should i greet them with a big smile or should i ask them to chat up a bit? i'm stuck. in the end that person will pass me by without getting anything and i'll be the one labelled as the ignorant fool.
i'm not good at expressing my feelings in words. when i'm happy, all i could think about is just to give a hug. when i'm sad, angry or upset, i'd get out of the place, so that no one can see me cry later on. when i see someone that makes me happy, i'd get all shy and controlled and act as if i'm calm, so that no one knows i'm jumping inside.
i'm not good at showing my emotion or affection in public.
i'm truly sorry for this big flaw in me.
if you know me well, i'm sure you can see right through me.
i try to overcome this flaw but it doesn't seems like its gonna go away in the nearest time.
i am still as much a mannequin as i was back in high school.
forgive my flaw.
The end of hecticness!
to rant or not to rant?
rant.
finally the super duper hyper hectic week of the semester 2 PPISMP Teslite has come to the end. like phewww!
so, from the 29th-31st March, we had our netball tournament which i can say was filled with such zestful performance that whack the energy out of us! so damn tired liao~
but then, despite all the grammatically wrong banner, super epic game from the boys, and much competition from the girls' team, in the end my beloved SJKCian won the tournament, beating tesl SK in a wonderful game. good job everyone! for those who still go on with your lame provocation, sigh, just stop it. its not like you are going to represent IPTHO in some sort of international tournament whatsoever. we Teslite organized this tournament for the sake of getting an A in our Gerko assignment only. if its not for Gerko, there's no way we wanna drag our legs to the court and practice every evening! the heck man, duhh!
pitcha! =D
rant.
finally the super duper hyper hectic week of the semester 2 PPISMP Teslite has come to the end. like phewww!
so, from the 29th-31st March, we had our netball tournament which i can say was filled with such zestful performance that whack the energy out of us! so damn tired liao~
but then, despite all the grammatically wrong banner, super epic game from the boys, and much competition from the girls' team, in the end my beloved SJKCian won the tournament, beating tesl SK in a wonderful game. good job everyone! for those who still go on with your lame provocation, sigh, just stop it. its not like you are going to represent IPTHO in some sort of international tournament whatsoever. we Teslite organized this tournament for the sake of getting an A in our Gerko assignment only. if its not for Gerko, there's no way we wanna drag our legs to the court and practice every evening! the heck man, duhh!
pitcha! =D
the senget banner! ==''
besties luv luv!
all in all, it was a worthy three days of fatigue and sore throat for all of us especially the Teslite since this tournament is our own effort and planning. salute to all the committee members and those who help in any way that they can.
next up is our five days-long Language Camp which is another handmade effort of the Teslite. i was the committee head for the meals preparation and boy, i actually shed some kilos running to and fro the canteen for the sake of making sure the meals were ready for us hungry eaters! despite some minor problems, it went smooth to the end. why, once you are the one in charge of the food, you are bound to meet some demand and diva but then, don't we all want the best munch for our empty tummy? *winks*
i entered the public speaking, was awarded 3rd place behind Arif and Daniel who shared the same number one spot. i was proud of myself, of course, since it took me by surprise that all my blabs and toodles actually worth something in the judge's (Puan Hawa) eyes! congrats, Narcs!
my team won the top spot in crossword puzzle and treasure hunt. well, i have no desire to blab about the whole activity but i would like to express my deepest gratitude towards my team members for pulling of the choral speaking session with much gusto! we conduct the session well and received a warm applause from Puan Kurotol Aini and other teslite.
for the closing ceremony, we had to perform a short sketch and we decided to go with a crazy cantankerous ides of 'Harry Potter in IPTHO' ! *let your imagination run wild, readers!* at first, we just did a spontaneous act since we had no reason to be the winner and performing on stage later on but what goes around comes around, we ARE the WINNER! and yeah, we did perform the sketch to the loud laughter of the lecturers and students and spectators. such unexpected turnout of situation.
here's some pictures for your viewing! =D
lazying around~
a cannot build a mountain~
lalalalaa~
Harry Potter in IPTHO!
Fadhlan is so Draco-ish evil !
after this, we'll have our King Lear drama and Social Studies forum to look forward to. like, oh yay more works to be done! *dies*
kudos to Teslite yaw!
The pirate bloodline.
i have Bugis blood from my father's side, which was based in Tanah Jawa. i was from one of those pirate-kill-kill-kill-die-die-die kind of tribe and i must say, i do have some of the vicious traits in me. (no wonder i'm so heartless! =.='') although not much is known about the Bugis part from Tanah Jawa, what i do know is that a number of them migrate to Tanah Melayu and earn their living here, guarding the coast of Johor waters during the sultanate era and my side of bugis family resides mostly in Kukup, Pontian where they live on according to the traditon of their ancestors. they still live on wooden house build above the waters, earn their living through the fortune from the ocean like fish and stuff and goes on speaking in their Bugis language. sadly,i don't understand a single Bugis word. shame, shame.
well, when i was just a little girl with fragile body back then, father used to sing the song of the Bugis people to me and tell me to be just as strong and brave and loyal like our ancestors. perhaps this is the very least thing that he could do to preserve what little Bugis tradition that he knew. i remember when i was 8 years old, abah will teach me this song over and over again and ask me to sing with him while he attend to his numerous collection of parang and keris. a true Bugis pirate, like he said, always carries a sharp knife at the very least so that he could protect himself first and foremost no matter in what condition or danger that he face. that's why i love the parang. it makes me feel so powerful and strong. haha.
well, unfortunately i couldn't find any audio/video of this Bugis song in Youtube or other resources. *hate,hate!*
but then, the lyrics is enough to let you know the spirit of the Bugis people. =)
Angin bertiup layar terkembang
Ombak berdebur di tepi pantai
Pemuda berani bangkit sekarang
Ke laut kita beramai-ramai
well, when i was just a little girl with fragile body back then, father used to sing the song of the Bugis people to me and tell me to be just as strong and brave and loyal like our ancestors. perhaps this is the very least thing that he could do to preserve what little Bugis tradition that he knew. i remember when i was 8 years old, abah will teach me this song over and over again and ask me to sing with him while he attend to his numerous collection of parang and keris. a true Bugis pirate, like he said, always carries a sharp knife at the very least so that he could protect himself first and foremost no matter in what condition or danger that he face. that's why i love the parang. it makes me feel so powerful and strong. haha.
well, unfortunately i couldn't find any audio/video of this Bugis song in Youtube or other resources. *hate,hate!*
but then, the lyrics is enough to let you know the spirit of the Bugis people. =)
Lagu Pelaut
Nenek moyangku orang pelaut
Gemar mengharung luas samudera
Menerjang ombak tiada takut
Menempuh badai sudah biasa
Gemar mengharung luas samudera
Menerjang ombak tiada takut
Menempuh badai sudah biasa
Angin bertiup layar terkembang
Ombak berdebur di tepi pantai
Pemuda berani bangkit sekarang
Ke laut kita beramai-ramai
Besties for life!
i never really keen on getting best friends in school life, but throughout the years, i've met some extra wonderful people who colour up my life and has always been there for me. we'd shared jokes and tears, comfort each other with supportive words, and for the most part, enjoy teasing each other to the fullest!
this post is a tribute to my besties, ones whom i consider as the pillar of my friendship all those time in high school. (up until today!)
Shahirah Juanda @ Pengerusi
she's in the same class at high school and tuition center with me. one thing about her is, she's all out for a good dose of laugh with her jokes and teasing! the best part is when she make her supposedly serious face but says the funniest thing! and once in a while, her blur face will take the center stage and there will be so many trademark quotes coming from her. i wish i have her math brain. (=,='')
Adibah Abu Bakar @ kaki komik
here's one person whom i can say is the big sister of the family. despite being like the big sister all the time, her childish antics will come to live once there's sweets and munchies in front of her! oh yeah, she's definitely my makan-makan gang! she's good at drawing and korean! i never grasp how fast the rate of her memorizing skill when it comes to korean song. (=,='')
Nurhidayah Mazlan @ the big psycho bully
this lady here is so dangerous! you men out there better be careful with her! she could psycho you out of madness! yeah, i'm the number one target for her. (=='') she can imitate the voice of everyone and anyone at will, smack the hell out of you with her politics, literature, general knowledge and so many more once she started to speak. i always stayed back after school and lepak around with her at the school's compound, walking here and there, bullying the lab assistant (sorry pak cik Yassin!) and getting into numerous accounts of eccentricities with almost everyone! yea dude, me and her, we are the weird girls with brains for older people when it comes to conversing. there's no one else whom i can talk about politics with much gusto except her and she actually banter like a pro debater when it comes to hot topics like religion and politics. she could come up with the most amazing psychological story and is very interested in bullying me. *dead*
although we rarely meet each other nowadays due to different location, they are always in my heart and in my prayer. i'm like, i love all of youuuuu sisters! =D
this post is a tribute to my besties, ones whom i consider as the pillar of my friendship all those time in high school. (up until today!)
Shahirah Juanda @ Pengerusi
Adibah Abu Bakar @ kaki komik
Nurhidayah Mazlan @ the big psycho bully
although we rarely meet each other nowadays due to different location, they are always in my heart and in my prayer. i'm like, i love all of youuuuu sisters! =D
Sorry for being me.
to tell you the truth, i don't like to blog in Malay.
simply because my malay sucks like oww shucks bebeh!
yeah, that sucks.
when i speak Malay, my words will be the bahasa baku and bahasa skema and that alone will make people who's listening to me have to do the monkey-must-not-laugh face.
monkey-must-not-laugh face
i admit, i'm good in writing all those argumentative essay in Malay back in high school. yea, high school!
but ever since i entered IPG, what more joining the TESL crew, my Malay drop damn lowww! *hate myself*
everytime i try to blog in malay, the post will turn out to be too sarcastic, too harsh, too this and too that!
heck, even my spoken Malay is not that good anymore. i tend to be a bit snappy and too direct and that is the reason why i hurt people sometimes. my words are too 'pedas'.
so, in order to avoid any problems in the future, i'll stick to English and use Malay occasionally.
you can call me a hypocrite double-face traitor whatsoever but trust me chick, you ain't gonna like it when i blurt out my sarcasm in your face~
so, just let me be the faker who's too proud of my English for the time being because i'm trying hard to pick my Malay skills from the road and put them straight up in line.
you don't like it when i speak directly in Malay but you also hate it when i blabs English all the time.
i'll just do whatever i want as long as i know i'm not using any harsh words that might prick your poor little sensitive heart.
imma blurt out the truth softer in English rather than in Malay.
ciao~
simply because my malay sucks like oww shucks bebeh!
yeah, that sucks.
when i speak Malay, my words will be the bahasa baku and bahasa skema and that alone will make people who's listening to me have to do the monkey-must-not-laugh face.
monkey-must-not-laugh face
i admit, i'm good in writing all those argumentative essay in Malay back in high school. yea, high school!
but ever since i entered IPG, what more joining the TESL crew, my Malay drop damn lowww! *hate myself*
everytime i try to blog in malay, the post will turn out to be too sarcastic, too harsh, too this and too that!
heck, even my spoken Malay is not that good anymore. i tend to be a bit snappy and too direct and that is the reason why i hurt people sometimes. my words are too 'pedas'.
so, in order to avoid any problems in the future, i'll stick to English and use Malay occasionally.
you can call me a hypocrite double-face traitor whatsoever but trust me chick, you ain't gonna like it when i blurt out my sarcasm in your face~
so, just let me be the faker who's too proud of my English for the time being because i'm trying hard to pick my Malay skills from the road and put them straight up in line.
you don't like it when i speak directly in Malay but you also hate it when i blabs English all the time.
i'll just do whatever i want as long as i know i'm not using any harsh words that might prick your poor little sensitive heart.
imma blurt out the truth softer in English rather than in Malay.
ciao~
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